F my life comedy site

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Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted lớn cover a laugh and apologized. FML
Today, I went to lớn meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidentally drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting lớn meet me. I pulled a U-Turn & heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML
Today, I was about lớn thất bại my virginity with my girlfrikết thúc of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone Gọi from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had lớn come trang chủ immediately. My grandma fell off the nhà vệ sinh and got stuông chồng between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML
Today, my boyfrikết thúc broke up with me. I cried and told hyên ổn that I loved hyên ổn. He gave me a quarter và told me khổng lồ gọi someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked trang chính in the rain. FML
Today, I decided khổng lồ tell my mom about my choice khổng lồ wait lớn have sầu sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed và said, "is that your excuse for not being able lớn get laid?" & walked out of the room. FML
Today, my boyfriend & I decided to lớn try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to lớn see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face & said 'Now, vị me'. FML
Today, I had an elaborate plan khổng lồ ask this girl lớn Prom, & it was going to take a few minutes khổng lồ mix up. I asked my frikết thúc khổng lồ distract her. He decided to lớn distract her by asking her lớn Prom. She said "Yes". FML
Today, I awoke khổng lồ the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door & I pull the door open và say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", và leaves. FML
Today, I came trang chính lớn find a soông xã I previously used to lớn whaông xã off on my bed with googly eyes và a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
Today, a 7-year-old girl came up khổng lồ me và told me khổng lồ go fuông chồng myself. I told her to lớn watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard the conversation; she came up lớn me and told me khổng lồ go fuchồng myself as well. FML
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her frikết thúc, "I have sầu to lớn go, there's a xinh tươi guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to lớn me & said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML
Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some xanh martians!" He looked at me & replied, "How about some blue shut the fuông chồng up?!" FML
Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sầu sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML
Today, I was talking to lớn my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've sầu been naughty?" FML
Today, I checked my facebook, và my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok lớn announce khổng lồ be married. She writes baông xã saying that we have sầu khổng lồ talk and to lớn come to lớn the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter lịch sự along with the theme tuy nhiên "Be who you want khổng lồ be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned khổng lồ me and said "Mom, I want khổng lồ be a hooker." FML
Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriover says. "I'm finally going khổng lồ tell her I love sầu her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved hlặng too. Then his friover says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML
Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, & his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave sầu the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML
Today, I found out that just because your boyfrikết thúc asks you khổng lồ marry hyên doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML
Today, I turned on my camera to lớn find pictures of my dad's secretary giving hyên ổn a blowjob. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom và dad say it's no big deal. FML
rexobtells us more :
thanks for all those who are genuinely concerned...i really appreciate it. i"m hanging in there, & hopefully my sister will be alright. we"ve sầu been to therapy and i think it"s helped her, but i don"t know how this will come up later in life for us.again, i really appreciate those of you who took this seriously.

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Today, at a hard roông xã concert, a bunch of guys accidentally knocked down a port-a-potty while moshing. I was inside that port-a-potty. FML
shit_upontells us more :
they were wasted to lớn the point of oblivion and probably had no idea what had just gone down. i didn"t cry, but i was REALLY angry about it. my clothes were full of shit but luckily i had an extra pair of pants in my car & i had bought a b& t-shirt earlier
Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home page with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home page and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML
Today, I went up khổng lồ a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfrikết thúc to lớn tell hyên ổn someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML
Today, this girl và I were chilling in my apartment và things got heated up và we started making out. One thing lead lớn another & the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready khổng lồ bust when she stopped, looked up inlớn my eyes & said "Do you believe sầu in Jesus?" FML
Today, I got a phone gọi saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML
Today, my house got broken inkhổng lồ. My brvà new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive sầu & some clothes. Wanting khổng lồ drown my sorrows in the Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to lớn find that it too had been stolen. FML
Today, I had one of the worst panic attacks in years. I was worried nobody cared about me & that I had completely messed up my life. I was hyperventilating & crying hysterically. My mom walked by my room, looked at me, and said, "If you're going lớn make those noises, at least shut the door." FML
Today, brand new cocktail dress: $300. Matching peep toe heels: $100. Getting my hair done at the salon: $80. Treating myself to a mani/pedi: $50. When finally meeting the guy I have sầu been chatting online with for 2 months, I find out he's my cousin: priceless. FML
akd_rockstells us more :
Okay I"m the person that wrote this, I wrote it earlier today before I got my trương mục & its one hundered percent truewe talked about familywe exchanged pics but i had never met him beforehe was my moms sisters son adn i have sầu never met that part of my family because my mom was disowned for marrying my dad.his last name was my moms maiden name so i didnt think anything of it especially...
Today, I was cleaning my father's study room and wondering why I did not receive sầu my acceptance/rejection letter from a college I really wanted. I found the acceptance letter, on his desk, also approving of a full scholarship. The deadline to lớn confirm was a month ago. FML
Today, my parents punished me và made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML
Today, the gas station attendent was talking lớn my fiance while our baby & I were in the oto waiting. The attendent referred to lớn our baby và I as my...

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Today, I wanted to surprise my man & got some sexy lingerie. After getting frisky, he tells me I’m a f******ing whore and he doesn’t want lớn hang out...
Today, my alarm rang just as I was about to lớn have a wet dream with my husb&. This is the closest I got khổng lồ having sex in weeks. FML
Today, I'm 23 weeks pregnant & super horny. I also cried during sex with my husbvà because I can't orgasm. FML

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